Summary
We’ve prepared a script to make it easier to do the right thing – apologize. (Not convinced you need to say sorry? Read this take on why say sorry is really important).
Listen, being an employee is tough! Things move fast, there are a lot of demands. We often work across time zones and cultures, and communicate through a variety of tools.
Sometimes our poor reactions, unconscious biases, closed off body language, and miscommunications can threaten the trust between us and teammates. In these situations, a productive apology is a strong first step in acknowledging your gaps and reestablishing trust in a relationship.
As the brilliant Esther Perel reminds us, an apology can be empowering…so keep reading!
1️⃣ Step 1: Find the appropriate setting
Be as timely as possible. When you recognize you’ve made a mistake with your team or direct report, the faster you can address the issue, the better.
- If the issue is between you and an individual, consider a direct message or a quick 1:1 meeting over zoom or in a conference room at your office
- If you need to apologize to your team, it may be best to wait to apologize at your next team meeting to ensure everyone hears the same message
2️⃣ Step 2: Keep it direct
We recommend taking this script and adjusting it to suit your specific circumstances. Here are two examples of productive apologies you could use:
“Hey [insert direct report name]. I was reflecting on how I showed up in [insert context – i.e. our 1:1/team meeting] and realized that it probably felt [insert feeling – i.e. jarring, interrogative etc.]. That is not at all what I intended, and it’s not ok. Here’s what was going on with me at that moment: [Insert context so long as it doesn’t breach trust of other team members]. I don’t share that as an excuse, but rather as an explanation for my reaction. What I wish I had said was this: [Insert a more reasoned reaction that conveys your true intent]. Let’s try again.”
“Recently, I [insert the mistake behavior] because I thought [insert your initial reasoning for the mistake]. I have since learned that [insert learning] and realize now that I made a mistake. I should have [insert preferred behavior]. Going forward, I will [insert future adjustments]. I’m sorry for [insert negative impact of mistake for team].”
3️⃣ Step 3: Focus on impact, not intent
Remember that a truly productive apology focuses on understanding and empathizing with the impact your behavior had on someone else. Tempting though it may be, do not spend the majority of your apology trying to get someone to understand your intent, as this invalidates their experience.
